We’re Afraid Others Think Badly of Us

Social anxiety disorder is fundamentally marked by a fear of negative evaluation—a persistent concern about being judged harshly in social or performance settings. For instance, a person giving a speech at work may worry that the audience might notice their hands trembling, perceive them as anxious and, therefore, “not confident enough for the job,” or even “incompetent.” Similarly, someone on a first date might fear that blushing will be seen as a sign of personal weakness. Often, we do not initially recognize that these fears stem from our own harsh self-judgment. But what fuels this negative self-view?

We Set Unfairly High Standards

Research has shown that people with social anxiety disorder assess their performance more critically than their peers or audience members do (Rapee & Lim, 1992; Stopa & Clark, 1993). But why? The answer is complex, but a significant factor appears to be their excessively high, often perfectionistic, standards for social interactions. Consider the unspoken rules at play in our earlier examples: “I must not let anyone see I am anxious” or “I must not show any signs of weakness” (Clark & Wells, 1995, p. 75). While setting high standards can be beneficial at times, problems arise when these expectations become rigid and unrealistic.

Our Unrealistic Standards Are Reinforced by Vague Goals

We’ve established that people with social anxiety disorder evaluate themselves harshly, assuming others will do the same. We also know they impose unrealistic and perfectionistic standards on their social performance. But how does this cycle translate into real-time self-criticism in social and performance situations? One possible contributor is the combination of these standards with vague or ill-defined goals.

For example, imagine you’re about to attend a company event where you’ll meet some new colleagues. You set a goal to “be chill and make a good first impression.” However, this goal is neither specific nor measurable, leaving your success open to interpretation. When vague objectives are coupled with perfectionistic rules, they can foster negative self-evaluation and lead to perceived social failure or catastrophe.

In this scenario, despite feeling anxious, you introduce yourself to several new colleagues, find out what they each like about their jobs, and learn a bit about them personally. Yet, because you experienced anxiety, you conclude that you failed. You might believe that your colleagues noticed your nervousness and therefore, found you less likable or perceived that your anxiety signaled personal weakness. This self-critical assessment leads to discouragement and reinforces avoidance behaviors in future social situations.

How Do Therapists Address Perfectionism in Social Anxiety Disorder?

Because social anxiety disorder often involves unrealistic standards and vague goals that contribute to catastrophic interpretations of social experiences, therapists help patients develop more specific, observable, and attainable goals (Heimberg & Becker, 2002; Hofmann & Otto, 2018). These objectives should be realistic, concrete, behavioral (i.e., observable), and within the individual’s control (Heimberg & Becker, 2002, p. 249).

Returning to our previous example, a more specific, observable and attainable goal for the company event could be: “Ask each colleague I meet one question and share one thing about myself.” This type of goal fosters a sense of accomplishment rather than self-criticism.

Cognitive Restructuring: Challenging Perfectionistic Thinking

Another key intervention is cognitive restructuring, which helps develop more balanced and reasonable standards. The goal here is not positive thinking but rather realistic or balanced thinking.  Suppose you leave the company event thinking you failed because you “got anxious and looked weak in front of the whole company.” A therapist might respond with Socratic questioning: “Does feeling anxious necessarily mean you appeared weak? What else could someone think if they noticed your nervousness?”

By questioning negative automatic thoughts in this way, the patient may conclude that most people experience some level of anxiety in social situations, especially when meeting new colleagues. Over time, this process allows for the development of more flexible and compassionate self-appraisals, such as “I can be socially effective even if I feel anxious” and “Some anxiety in social situations is normal—it doesn’t automatically mean failure.”

Exposure Practice: Confronting Social Fears

Exposure therapy, a cornerstone of anxiety treatment, involves gradually confronting feared social situations. In the earlier example, therapy might begin with an in-session role-play of a one-on-one conversation with a colleague. Building on that, the individual might be assigned a real-life exposure, such as chatting with a coworker in the break room, eventually working up to attending the office holiday party.

By repeatedly facing social fears, individuals can gather real-world evidence that challenges their perfectionistic assumptions. With realistic goals and flexible self-standards in place, they can experience social effectiveness without the pressure of perfectionism.

References

Clark, D. M., & Wells, A. (1995). A cognitive model of social phobia. In R. G. Heimberg, M. R. Liebowitz, D. A. Hope, & F. R. Schneier (Eds.), Social phobia: Diagnosis, assessment, and treatment (pp. 69-93). Guilford Press.

Heimberg, R. G., & Becker, R. E. (2002). Cognitive-behavioral group therapy for social phobia: Basic mechanisms and clinical strategies. Guilford Press.

Hofmann, S. G., & Otto, M. W. (2018). Cognitive behavioral therapy for social anxiety disorder: Evidence-based and disorder-specific treatment techniques (2nd ed.). Routledge.

Rapee, R. M., & Lim, L. (1992). Discrepancy between self- and observer ratings of performance in social phobics. Journal of Abnormal Psychology, 101(4), 728-731.  https://doi.org/10.1037/0021-843X.101.4.728 

Stopa, L., & Clark, D. M. (1993). Cognitive processes in social phobia. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 31(3), 255-267. https://doi.org/10.1016/0005-7967(93)90024-O

 

Sarah Feigon, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist with over 20 years of experience who enjoys implementing empirically supported approaches such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and exposure with response prevention (ERP) to treat anxiety and mood disorders, as well as other conditions, in adults and late adolescents. Dr. Feigon serves as an exposure therapist for the Intensive CBT Program for Anxiety and OCD, a 2-week accelerated program that provides individual CBT and exposure therapy to adults and adolescents (age 16+) with OCD, social anxiety, panic disorder, agoraphobia, and specific phobias. Dr. Feigon is passionate about providing collaborative and supportive care that empowers her patients to face fears, overcome problems and cope better with strong emotions. In her spare time, Dr. Feigon enjoys jewelry making, language learning, home decorating and listening to her eclectic 1960’s-early 2000’s music collection.